Augustus Waters is a Douche, and that’s Why Girls Love Him

Like every third person on the planet, I too picked up “The Fault in Our Stars” by John Green and gave it a go. It’s a charming story, one of the few that’s gripped me enough to go through it end to end in a matter of days. I recommended it to most people I crossed on the street, a few on the bus, and to an unfortunate bunch at an assortment of urinals.

It’s touching and heart-breaking, and it’s safe to say that a 16 (or 26) year old would rather have the book hurled at them at full force because it would cause them less anguish than the story itself.

Let me quickly summarize it for you. Hazel is a terminally ill cancer patient who falls in love with the focus of this post (Augustus Waters) who is also a terminally ill cancer patient.


Fairly predictably, they both die (clue: terminally ill), but not before embarking on a journey riddled with love so profound that even Romeo and Juliet would have obliged with a standing ovation, waving handkerchiefs et al.

So here’s the thing, Augustus Waters is perfect. Isn’t he, girls? My Facebook feed over the past month has been riddled with scores of girls (albeit, all in the 15-25 age group) swooning over the character of Augustus Waters, and cursing John Green for creating a man so perfect.

Except of course for the fact, that John Green did nothing of the sort.

Augustus Waters is a world-class douchebag, which is why the girls love him.

Pretty much this.

Gus Waters hates taking no for an answer, is pushy, latches on to the girl he likes, is riddled with metaphors, and often quotes (incorrectly) a number of philosophers. A conversation with Gus Waters involves him throwing the corniest of one-liners or the latest Facebook status messages at you, which may or may not have anything to do with the conversation at hand.

Of course, Hazel does feel like she’s having the deepest conversation of her life each time she speaks to Gus because no matter what she says, a brooding, “Life is all about the choices you make Hazel Grace, it defines your path”, would be a line suitable to be  infused into any sort of verbal exchange, wouldn’t it?

While he gets Hazel to blurt out everything about her life and share her deepest secrets, he reveals nothing of his own life to Hazel, because – if he doesn’t keep up that whole mysterious aura, what’s the point in this entire James Dean charade, right?

On closer inspection of Gus Waters, it’s revealed that the literature he has at hand are almost primarily centered around his favorite video games, yet his insistence on quoting Plato and Aristotle at the drop of a hat could be downright puzzling, but it fits into Gus Waters’ personality perfectly when you think about it. He fakes most of who he portrays himself to be.

Yes, Gus has a positive side to him, we all do. He truly cares about Hazel, he goes to exceptional lengths to make Hazel’s lifelong dream come true even though it’s been shattered once after a Herculean attempt from both parties involved.

Yet all said and done, Augustus Waters is far from the perfect man, and the fact that he is idolized by so many only drives home one simple fact: we love illusions.

And that’s exactly what Augustus Waters is – an illusion.

Observation, Technology

Photo Captions and You

Due to the nature of the work I do (and thankfully get paid for), I tend to spend a fair amount of time on social media. Translation: I get to spend all day on Facebook and Twitter, and every 27 and a half minutes I get to answer the question, “lol dude ur always on fb wtf man lol?”

What this also means is that I’m exposed (against my wishes) to a fair amount of photographs that have no business being on the internet. But I’ve made my peace with that. It’s a free world, people can express themselves via a medium of their choosing. I won’t really say anything against that otherwise the “Avtar = Stalin” posters will hit the printing machines again.

What I haven’t made my peace with is the kind of captions people think deserve to go with these photographs. Let me quickly plug in something very important, a life lesson for everyone: photo captions are optional. Always.

Since there are people out there who don’t believe in evolution (LOL BUT IF WE EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS EXPLAIN MONKEYS TO ME TODAY HAH GOTCHA!), I’m sure a few of you are skeptical about what sort of captions I’m talking about, or as they are more aptly called – craptions. Allow me to jog your memory and explain to you who these people are and what they do.

1. The Quote Junkies

“A woman should be two things, classy and fabulous” – Coco Chanel, reads a caption on a photo of a girl who just bought a new dress. Note: she may or may not be wearing the new dress, it might just be in a bag and she could be in the middle of a mall posing with it, the entire point of the photo now being that yes, I go to malls! I’M SUCH A SHOPAHOLIC LOL.

Or better yet, “Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world.” – Marilyn Monroe. I guess that’s what Hitler got wrong in World War 2, he wasn’t wearing the right loafers.

Great choice girls!

Good ol’ Marilyn Monroe.

I’ve seen these captions on at least 684 photos in the last year. It drives me absolutely fucking insane. Putting aside the fact that you’re quoting a Nazi spy (Coco Chanel) and Marilyn Monroe (explained above), you’re not being classy or fabulous by wearing a new dress, tilting your head to the side and smiling with one of your hands on your waist. It’s pretty much the same thing as me putting up a photo posing with a gun in it with the caption, “Where there is love, there is life.” – Mahatma Gandhi.

2. Hearts, Kisses and General Bullshitters

Last month, I removed someone from my friends list because of this. They uploaded an album with the title, “BEST DAY EVA <3 <3 <3″. Now if you went bungee jumping in New Zealand or if you cuddled puppies for the entire day at the pet shelter, I’d forgive you for your questionable grammar, spelling and album title, but you uploaded 184 photographs of you and your friends at Burger King and every photo had the caption, “besties 4 lyf <3 <3″.

There were 36 close-up photographs of french fries for fuck’s sake.

I did the only thing I could do. I commented on one of the photos which had all of them in it saying, “Can’t believe you guys are still friends after what she said about you” and then removed the person from my friends list. That probably ruffled a few feathers and caused a fair amount of suspicion.

3. Those Damn Hashtags Addicts

Let’s get this straight, you shouldn’t be using hashtags on Facebook. Ever. Even if you get money for it. Even though Facebook now supports hashtags, you still shouldn’t do it, primarily because Zuckerberg doesn’t either and all of Facebook realized how fucking stupid it was to incorporate hashtags. Enter Instagram, the only place on the internet apart from Twitter where you should use hashtags. And under no circumstances should you be using #swag or #yolo.

You're doing YOLO right.

You’re doing YOLO right.

Here’s a general rule of thumb, if you’re going to use a hashtag on Instagram, use at the most: two or three. That is all. Do not take a picture of yourself getting coffee and use the caption: #coffee #earlybirdgetstheworm #latte #starbucks #omgcoffee #needtostayup #zombiemodedeactivate #cantgetenoughcoffee #firstoftheday #yolo #swaghat #getthisdaystarted #conquertheworld #liveyourdreams #firstactivityoftheday #kickstart #caffeine #shotshotshotshot #toomanyhashtagslol #latergram #swag #yolopuppies.

4. The Storytellers

Tell me something honestly, do you think it’s appropriate for you to type out five paragraphs as a caption for a photograph? STOP THINKING, THE ANSWER IS NO DAMMIT. Oh yes, we have those too. Picture of a birthday cake, and a massive 500 word caption associated with it, thanking everyone who was involved in the baking of the cake, delivering it to the house and finally eating it. It’s amazing how at moments like these you tend to see the best in people. Send a damn e-mail. Jesus.

“And a big hug to [censored] for organizing this amazing surprise! What would I do without people like you!”

Bitch, you told me last weekend you hate his guts. You ain’t fooling no one.

Okay, maybe if it’s a birthday surprise and you’re thanking all your friends for getting you a cake and making you feel special – I can understand that. You want all your friends to know they’re appreciated (even though it’s a massive inconvenience to the rest of us) and you want it to be publicly shown and what not. Fair enough.

But. Sunday lunch with a couple of friends who you caught up with after a long time? Please don’t go and put up 300 words about how much you missed them as a photo caption. “We should do this more often!” will suffice.

Basic message: When it comes to photo captions, less is more.



Six Things People Should Be Shot For Saying

I’m all for freedom of speech. People should be allowed to say whatever is on their mind and they should express themselves however they deem fit. I do however, have an issue with certain terms or statements that people use a little too often, which in all honesty they should be shot for. I’m not even kidding. Off the top of my head, I can think of at least five people that I know who talk primarily for the purpose of making sounds. Whether or not what they say makes sense is strictly a secondary objective.

Out of all the asinine things people say, I managed to narrow my list down to six things that really grind my gears. Had I listed out any more, I’m fairly sure I’d have been on everyone else’s list of people to shoot. And here we go.

1. No Offense, But…

Right here, we have a statement that starts off on such a horrible note that no matter what you say after that, there is no escape. Let me just put it out there. If you’re thinking about saying something which incites you to begin your sentence with, “No offense, but..” you should have the sense to know that a sword will be drawn at some point or another. The literal translation here is that you’re about to say something offensive to someone, but hey, since you asked them not take offense to it, it’s all cool right? If you’re one of the people who find it incredibly irritating when someone says this, your instant reaction should be, “Bro, don’t die but…” and then pull out a gun and shoot them in the head.

No offense but every time you open your mouth I just wish a meteor would strike the planet and annihilate us all so that I wouldn’t have to listen to the absolute nonsense that comes out of your stupid mouth attached to that ugly face of yours.

He did say no offense, so I guess he doesn’t mean to offend you. Totally valid man. He’s a cool guy, let’s buy him a burger. And then murder him.

2. Money Doesn’t Buy Happiness

We’re all aware of this. You can’t just walk into a supermarket, throw $200 on the counter and demand four buckets of happy. That’s not how happiness, or rather how any emotion works. Therefore, to everyone out there who feels that it is their duty that has been bestowed upon them by God himself to remind everyone that they can’t buy happiness, you will most definitely be welcomed to your afterlife by Satan. And you know what? Even he won’t talk to you. The other day I was having coffee with a friend and we were having a conversation about how much one could potentially earn being a psychiatrist. During the course of the conversation at a certain point, he of course, put his coffee down, raised an eyebrow and with a smug expression said to me, “Well you know what they say, money can’t buy happiness.”

First of all, who are these people. I want to meet them. I want to point out how ambiguous the term “money” here is. How much money? $400 or $400,000,000? Because one of those figures is perfectly capable of buying happiness. And I want to ask them another very serious question. Have they ever seen someone in depression come out of a private jet? The common response usually is, “Oh rich people have troubles too”. Yes, they have troubles, I agree. However, their troubles are usually to the tune of not being able to take their Mercedes to work because the Lamborghini and the Aston Martin are in the way and they don’t want to bother with moving cars around.

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