Statistics tell us a number of things. They tell us how many people in the world are educated (not a lot), what the probability of an earthquake occurring in the western region of San Marino is (no one cares) and among other things, what percentage of cows have a higher intellect than Taylor Swift (all of them). What statistics will never tell us however, is what the probability of aliens invading earth is. Which is why you have people like me. I say ‘people’ because the other day I walked past a gentleman holding a conversation with a pigeon and a streetlight, and I knew I wasn’t alone in the world.
The answer is zero. There is absolutely zero probability of aliens invading earth. Now I’m not saying that they won’t visit us, sure, they might stop by for a cup of coffee (not Starbucks, even aliens know that shit is overpriced) or just to have a look around, but they will never ever attack us. Why? I’ll give you five concrete reasons.
Each time someone mentions ‘Giant River Stingrays’, a national emergency should be declared. This has to become a law and let me tell you why. These majestic creatures have not evolved for the last 100 million years because they reached a badass level so high that there is just no way to trump it. A regular Giant River Stingray, let’s call him Joe, would weigh close to a thousand pounds and would be sixteen feet long and seven feet wide. And if that’s not enough, Joe likes to inhabit muddy waters and generally blend into the environment, which means he’s also a fucking chameleon.
Here’s the fun part about Joe, you see his whip-like tail? Yeah, at the very end of that is a 15 inch venomous spike that is capable of piercing through human bones. In fact, the sting is so painful that in the Amazon it’s called the “wish-you-were-dead-fish”. Look, I don’t care what kind of weapons the aliens have and how advanced their technology is, you simply do not mess with something as badass as a Giant River Stingray. There really was no need to make Jurassic Park. Let alone four parts of it.
It’s not very often that you see a man so completely out of his mind that he makes Charlie Sheen and Gary Busey look sane. For those of you not in the know, Kim Jong-Il was the Supreme Leader of North Korea for 17 years during which he did little else other than instruct all his citizens to kidnap South Koreans and promote the act as North Korea’s national sport. The country is and was ruled with such a heavy hand that current estimates state that North Korea has fewer than 1,000 people with access to the internet and photography in the country is prohibited. Needless to say that the iPhone 5’s panorama feature is worth jack-shit there.
So consider telling the aliens about the nature of this particular human. And of course throwing in the fact that this guy was actually governing a country which has close to 25 million people. And did so for almost two decades with no one saying very much about it and just letting them be. Being different than the rest of the world was on top of his to-do list, so Kim Jong-Il decided that he’d let citizens vote from the age of 17. The only problem was that there was only one party to vote for. In case that isn’t bizarre enough, making an international phone call could lead to the caller being publicly executed in North Korea.
How do we drive away the aliens? We tell them that he has five kids.
If you haven’t heard of one, you should have watched more cartoons as a child. If you have heard of one, stop smiling. Now I know what you’re all thinking, aliens will probably have some fantastic space-age weapons that fire blue and red lasers that split buildings into half and turn humans into ashes (except Chuck Norris), what chance does a flamethrower have against those weapons that would have made Hitler drool?
Well, the reason isn’t tied to the impact of a flamethrower, it’s more along the lines of the fact that flamethrowers are completely legal. That’s right, there are no regulations around the use and carrying of flamethrowers because they’re not classified as a firearm. The closest category that they fall into is ‘farm equipment’ due to the increasing use of flamethrowers to destroy vegetation and clear land for farming. Regulations and laws around flamethrowers are so loose that you can find online stores selling flamethrowers and you can actually find YouTube videos that will give you step by step instructions on how to build one. All you’ll need are a few sheets of a metal, a welding iron, gasoline and extreme mental instability.
What does this have to do with aliens? As soon as it’s mentioned to the “Leader” of the Aliens (let’s just call him Bob for simplicity’s sake) that humans are allowed to carry flamethrowers to a freaking mall, to a movie or to their Aunt Leslie’s brunch and not be taken to jail for it, Bob will just label all of us bat-shit crazy and leave.
Since we’re talking about farms and aliens, I should touch upon the fact that one of the biggest stories around aliens visiting earth is based on crop circles. Let’s get this out in the open, if a super-intelligent alien life form comes to planet earth, lands on a farm somewhere, flattens out the crops in a certain pattern and flies off, they aren’t looking to make contact with us, they’ve simply run out of canvases.
The aliens will come here looking for a war with as little resistance as possible. No one likes resistance, unless you’re a Physics professor and enjoy tormenting fourteen year old children. So as soon as Bob asks us to take him to our leader and what not, we’ll tell him that we’d first like to show him a couple of the people he shall be soon coming up against. The list shall cleverly include Bruce Willis, Will Smith and Daniel Craig but will leave out LMFAO, Justin Bieber and Ryan Seacrest.
After watching Will Smith decimate the aliens in Independence Day and Men in Black, Daniel Craig being almost as badass as a Giant River Stingray in Cowboys and Aliens and Bruce Willis owning asteroids in Armageddon and aliens in the Fifth Element (if you don’t remember this movie you’re a horrible person), it might sway Bob’s mind a little.
Oh, and we have to pass off all those movies as documentaries of course. Shouldn’t be too hard. If however, Bob still isn’t convinced and labels these guys as one in a billion and calls our bluff, our come back is going to involve all the seasons of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air showcasing Will Smith as a teenager and then a drive through of any neighbourhood that involves today’s teens. We’ll tell Bob they all start out as ignorant consumerist douchebags, but eventually end up being a deadly breed of alien fighters.
It would seem like that would be more than enough to drive away the aliens, we could also show them a few episodes of American Idol, make them sit through a season of Jersey Shore, perhaps expose them to a few Nicolas Cage movies like Ghost Rider, Knowing, Bangkok Dangerous, National Treasure, Next, The Wicker Man, Tresspass… actually pretty much anything apart from Lord of War and Face Off. You’d think we have enough reasons, but the single-biggest reason why aliens would flee the earth in seconds is below. No, it’s not Justin Bieber. He’d probably be the easiest to kill. Baby-baby-baby-ooohhhhh-CRUNCH.
Think of the scariest place in the world. Wrong. It’s Prypiat. According to a study conducted in 2011 by the organization of the scariest fucking places on the planet, Prypiat takes the top ten spots. The eleventh is taken by Justin Bieber’s wardrobe. Then Prypiat takes the next ten spots again. Here’s a bit of background on the north Ukrainian city. The city was built in 1970 primarily to house workers of the Chernobyl Nuclear Plant but was abandoned in 1986 after the worst nuclear power plant accident in history. Don’t worry, nothing leaked and there was no spill in any water body, just one massive explosion that spat out insane amounts of radioactive contamination in the atmosphere.
What followed involved an evacuation of 50,000 people who were told to carry only what’s necessary, which meant that people essentially left their belongings behind which are still there.
Students fled from their classes, leaving their books behind which are still strewn about in the classroom. The huge amusement park built in Prypiat for the residents still stands, slowly rotting and decaying, which is fantastic because every nuclear power plant needs an amusement park, it’s common logic.
The radiation levels however have dropped considerably over the last three decades and Ukraine now has guided tours that allow tourists to visit the city of Prypiat, just in case exposing yourself to radiation is on the top of your vacation task list.
One of the most fascinating pictures of Prypiat for me has always been the abandoned ferris wheel. It’s actually something you can view if you get to the right co-ordinates on Google Maps, I’m not even kidding. It’s the perfect way to freak yourself out on a Tuesday afternoon in case you don’t plan on sleeping till Friday. What we need to do of course, is have Bob and a few of his pals take an unguided tour of Pypiat, take a look around and let us know if they still want to take over the planet after taking a look at an abandoned hospital, neighborhood and nursery. The answer is, “Nah bro, we’re cool.”
When you think about it, aliens are one of the most interesting topics for pretty much everyone and a topic that we’ve been the least creative with. All the weaknesses that we’ve come up with for aliens in every single alien movie has been so bullshit that it’s actually something to get angry about. The bacteria on earth kills the martians in War of the Worlds, Arnie defeats Predators by smearing mud over himself and Mel Gibson kills the aliens in Signs by throwing water on them. By the way, the movie Signs was shot in an alternate universe where dew doesn’t exist, since the aliens were running around in the crops in the morning and at night and nothing happened to them.
My apologies to anyone who came here looking for a scientific explanation about the existence of aliens and their probability of finding Earth. There are tons of websites and articles out there that discuss alien invasions in excruciating detail. They’re hilarious, check them out.