Six Things People Should Be Shot For Saying

I’m all for freedom of speech. People should be allowed to say whatever is on their mind and they should express themselves however they deem fit. I do however, have an issue with certain terms or statements that people use a little too often, which in all honesty they should be shot for. I’m not even kidding. Off the top of my head, I can think of at least five people that I know who talk primarily for the purpose of making sounds. Whether or not what they say makes sense is strictly a secondary objective.

Out of all the asinine things people say, I managed to narrow my list down to six things that really grind my gears. Had I listed out any more, I’m fairly sure I’d have been on everyone else’s list of people to shoot. And here we go.

1. No Offense, But…

Right here, we have a statement that starts off on such a horrible note that no matter what you say after that, there is no escape. Let me just put it out there. If you’re thinking about saying something which incites you to begin your sentence with, “No offense, but..” you should have the sense to know that a sword will be drawn at some point or another. The literal translation here is that you’re about to say something offensive to someone, but hey, since you asked them not take offense to it, it’s all cool right? If you’re one of the people who find it incredibly irritating when someone says this, your instant reaction should be, “Bro, don’t die but…” and then pull out a gun and shoot them in the head.

No offense but every time you open your mouth I just wish a meteor would strike the planet and annihilate us all so that I wouldn’t have to listen to the absolute nonsense that comes out of your stupid mouth attached to that ugly face of yours.

He did say no offense, so I guess he doesn’t mean to offend you. Totally valid man. He’s a cool guy, let’s buy him a burger. And then murder him.

2. Money Doesn’t Buy Happiness

We’re all aware of this. You can’t just walk into a supermarket, throw $200 on the counter and demand four buckets of happy. That’s not how happiness, or rather how any emotion works. Therefore, to everyone out there who feels that it is their duty that has been bestowed upon them by God himself to remind everyone that they can’t buy happiness, you will most definitely be welcomed to your afterlife by Satan. And you know what? Even he won’t talk to you. The other day I was having coffee with a friend and we were having a conversation about how much one could potentially earn being a psychiatrist. During the course of the conversation at a certain point, he of course, put his coffee down, raised an eyebrow and with a smug expression said to me, “Well you know what they say, money can’t buy happiness.”

First of all, who are these people. I want to meet them. I want to point out how ambiguous the term “money” here is. How much money? $400 or $400,000,000? Because one of those figures is perfectly capable of buying happiness. And I want to ask them another very serious question. Have they ever seen someone in depression come out of a private jet? The common response usually is, “Oh rich people have troubles too”. Yes, they have troubles, I agree. However, their troubles are usually to the tune of not being able to take their Mercedes to work because the Lamborghini and the Aston Martin are in the way and they don’t want to bother with moving cars around.

3. There are kids starving in Africa, and you…

This one really gets to me. Each time someone says something like this, a little voice inside me tells me to knife the person across their throat and do good for mankind. If you’re a mother of a four year old child and you say things like this to him, I see where you’re coming from. You want him to understand that he is privileged  to have food on his table three times a day and that he should be thankful and not waste any of it, and I’m completely on board with that. But the second this is taken out of context, I’m going to call the North Koreans and have them kidnap you. It’s ridiculous how people use this sentence these days. A few weeks ago I was complaining about my cell phone not having proper reception and someone dropped this line on me.

There are kids starving in Africa and you’re worried about why I didn’t do my homework?

Now listen here. I pay good money to have proper cell phone reception. It’s not like those kids in Africa are starving because they used their credit card to pay for Domino’s Delivery and got scammed. Realize when you should use this line people! I haven’t spoken to that friend since. Maybe he’s in Africa. Starving.

4. Working Hard or Hardly Working?

Oh what a clever play on words! How absolutely brilliant of you to say that to me, I’ve never ever heard this before how on earth do you come up with such amazingly imaginative things! That was sarcasm and I’m going to keep this short. Each time I’m at work and I tell someone I’m at work, they almost always give this response. Now everyone should know that this response is very 1995, but here we are 18 years later and it’s still going strong.

I usually shake my head and simply don’t respond which is then deemed rude, but hey, if you’re being an asswipe I’m allowed to play the rude card. No one has ever said this to me to my face for a few years now, but the next time someone does say this to me, I’m going to grab his neck and begin to strangle him and whisper, “Breathing hard or hardly breathing?”

5. That Awkward Moment When…

I’m sick of this. And you should be too. We get it, awkward things happen and they are awkward – that’s how it works. You don’t have to twist every single situation into an awkward moment or try to derive one out of absolutely nothing in a method to make a joke that no one is going to like in the first place. I actually attribute this to the internet. Ever since someone four years ago came with this, it was funny for a few days. People came up with interesting variations and there was much internet applause, but now, it’s just annoying. It’s just one of those things that has been taken to extreme lengths and people will just not stop. For the love of all that is holy, if you’re still doing this, please don’t.

6. Life Isn’t Fair

Yes we’re aware. I think we’ve all been through enough of life to realize that it isn’t fair. You don’t need to say it over and over again. Sure, in certain situations when people say things like this, you could actually lift up your head, attribute it to just bad luck and go on. But more often than not, it’s just in a manner that’s so completely out of context that people might be driven to become serial killers. Case in point, when I was in seventh grade, we had a teacher who would give out an exorbitant amount of homework every single weekend. On everyone raising questions about it and asking to be let off, the response was always, “Life isn’t fair”. Uh, you see, actually it isn’t life that’s in question here, it’s you.

No Miss, I think you’re confusing life being unfair with you being a complete jackass.

At that time not many of us had the sense to say, “So you’re saying if you don’t give us this homework life would suddenly become fair? YOU HAVE CONTROL OVER THE UNIVERSE ITSELF?!” I wasn’t a smartass back then, but at times I sure wish I had been. Another time I was at a restaurant, I went there for their amazing pepperoni pizzas and when I got there, I was told they were completely out of pepperoni for the night. I did of course mention that I’d come a long way just for the pepperoni pizza. The waiter, being very well trained and striving to achieve the high standards of the restaurant, said, “Sorry Sir, but sometimes life just isn’t fair.”

Dude, what?! This has nothing to do with life, it does however, have a lot to do with your inventory control and estimation management. Also might have something to do with you being an asshole now that you bring it up.

I’m well aware I might have dug a hole for myself here, fairly sure there are enough people out there who are going to go out of their way to use these with me from now on. For your sake, I hope you guys bring body armor and are also protected by the dragons of the Khaleesi.

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2 comments

  1. Suraj · March 6, 2013

    3rd and 4th – epic 😀 😀

  2. mthesailor · March 27, 2013

    No offence, but you are hardly working to earn money and buy happiness for the kids starving in the Africa. But Life Isn’t fair always 😛

    Very well written Avtar 🙂

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