Blood Ivory

Saena comes to life with the Earth. The first few rays of the sun streak across the vast grassland, bringing it to life. There are a few rumblings already in the herd, Saena isn’t the first, but she is among the first to wake up to the glorious sight of an African sunrise. With the shake of her head and a soft grunt, Saena ambles along the thin tall Savannah grass, making a soft rustling sound. Saena is forty two years old, and if times had been simpler, she would have been sure to live for another thirty odd years. But times are no longer simple and Saena is wise enough to understand that. She is one of the roughly 600,000 African elephants that remain on the planet, and while Saena hasn’t been informed so by experts, thousands of years of evolution have given her the instinct to know that her kind is endangered.

The Savannah Sunrise, in all its glory.

Saena is not the matriarch of the herd, but she commands a lot of respect from the younger elephants, primarily due to her heroics three years ago. Her herd remembers the day well, for elephants are cursed with the gift of a very sharp memory. Saena wishes she could erase some memories, but nature will not have it so. A few dark memories should remain within us for us to truly understand the value of good times perhaps. Saena moves further along until she reaches her two calves, one male and one female. They are still asleep, still in their childhood years and Saena looks at them lovingly for a moment. A rustling to her left reveals another advancing adult female elephant, Saena’s sister. Saena angles her body to face her sister, and inter-twines her trunk with her sister’s.

Having said hello to her sister, Saena is glad she has family around her. Family will protect her and her young ones from the new threat that is picking up pace along the grasslands. She strokes her young calves across their backs with her trunk, urging them to wake up so they can join the herd and head to the lake for their first drink of the day. The young elephants of the herd move their feet quickly to keep pace with the larger and wiser ones of the herd. Saena is seven and a half feet tall, about an average size for a female African elephant. She weighs a little over five thousand pounds and moves swiftly with the herd. The matriarch leads them to the large lake, a little over a mile away. Through her grunts and soft rumblings, the matriarch is able to direct the herd in the right direction if they go astray, but most of them are now familiar with the path they take for the lake every morning, what with the razor sharp memory and all.

Saena’s herd getting their first drink of the day.

Saena moves briskly along the right periphery of the herd and on reaching the lake, nudges her two young ones into the lake and sprays gallon after gallon of water on them playfully. She is able to store two gallons of water at a time in her enormous trunk, but does not need to fill it to full capacity just yet. The water reaches halfway up Saena’s tree trunk like legs, and with a little effort she is able to move within the like. As her young ones play, Saena slowly moves away from the lake after getting her morning’s worth of water. She slowly walks away from the lake and stops, scanning the horizon. The world has changed fast in the last few years, Saena and her herd have been introduced to a new and unusual kind of threat. Read More

Five Reasons Why Aliens Will Never Attack Earth

Statistics tell us a number of things. They tell us how many people in the world are educated (not a lot), what the probability of an earthquake occurring in the western region of San Marino is (no one cares) and among other things, what percentage of cows have a higher intellect than Taylor Swift (all of them). What statistics will never tell us however, is what the probability of aliens invading earth is. Which is why you have people like me. I say ‘people’ because the other day I walked past a gentleman holding a conversation with a pigeon and a streetlight, and I knew I wasn’t alone in the world.

The answer is zero. There is absolutely zero probability of aliens invading earth. Now I’m not saying that they won’t visit us, sure, they might stop by for a cup of coffee (not Starbucks, even aliens know that shit is overpriced) or just  to have a look around, but they will never ever attack us. Why? I’ll give you five concrete reasons.

Each time someone mentions ‘Giant River Stingrays’, a national emergency should be declared. This has to become a law and let me tell you why. These majestic creatures have not evolved for the last 100 million years because they reached a badass level so high that there is just no way to trump it. A regular Giant River Stingray, let’s call him Joe, would weigh close to a thousand pounds and would be sixteen feet long and seven feet wide. And if that’s not enough, Joe likes to inhabit  muddy waters and generally blend into the environment, which means he’s also a fucking chameleon.

Even the word ‘giant’ does not do justice.

Here’s the fun part about Joe, you see his whip-like tail? Yeah, at the very end of that is a 15 inch venomous spike that is capable of piercing through human bones. In fact, the sting is so painful that in the Amazon it’s called the “wish-you-were-dead-fish”. Look, I don’t care what kind of weapons the aliens have and how advanced their technology is, you simply do not mess with something as badass as a Giant River Stingray. There really was no need to make Jurassic Park. Let alone four parts of it.  Read More

Why We Watch TV Shows

Think of your favorite TV shows. I’m pretty sure you’ve got a list. Now think of why you watch these TV shows. For some of you, it’s going to be hard to find an answer. You probably shrugged your shoulders, or responded with something lame like, “Just like that” or “Because it’s fun or whatever”. Some of the biggest reasons why people watch TV shows are reasons that they will conceal with all their strength. They’ll give you reasons like they like the characters, or because the storyline is great, or (the most unbelievable explanation of all) that they get to learn a lot from the TV show. Think about it. Do you know who writes your favorite TV shows? Who directs them? Whose idea it all was in the first place?

Oh, before I forget, this post has a more button at the bottom of it, so in case you think it’s short and abruptly over, click the ‘More’ button to read further in.

Everyone likes to call themselves a fan of Christopher Nolan because they thought The Dark Knight was cool and well, since everyone intelligent seems to be saying Inception was a good movie, hell, even they’ll say it was! Even though they couldn’t make out head or tail of the movie. Ask them why they liked the movie, and their response will be, “The movie makes you think. That top in the end, did it stop spinning or not?” Poke a little deeper, and you’ll find that you’d have a better chance of getting a response out of a cow than from this so called Nolan fan.

Matthew Perry after he saw Inception

Chandler Bing everyone. Probably one of the most liked characters to ever appear on television. Everyone liked Chandler for his sarcasm, his witty remarks, his expressions and just the way he’d blink at Joey at times. Did anyone ever think about what the writer was thinking about his character when he decided that Chandler, the have fun all the time, not serious about life guy falls in love? Falls in love so much that he is willing to change so much about him and get married? A complete character flip. Did anyone ever label Chandler as courageous? That’s probably the last word that comes to mind when you think of him. Of course, he ran off before the wedding and gave everyone a scare, but once he came back and cracked a joke at a baby t-shirt, everyone hears the joke, laughs, good ol’ Chandler is back and let’s get on with it.

Chandler Bing, is an example in the TV show Friends about how a person, because of love, can change so drastically, turn his life inside out. If you’re one of those people sitting there thinking, yes, I thought about all this, then that’s great. You’re one of the few people who actually looks into shows. Chandler is hardly a fitting example for a deep character inspection though.

So why do we watch TV shows? What is the reason that most people watch TV shows these days? Read More